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Lessons from a letter to myself

I have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is.

But I do know that a new year is dawning, and more poignant than that, a new decade is fast approaching.

I have a simple New Years Eve tradition of writing a letter to myself. Sitting down and writing to myself as if I had already lived the year to come. Capturing all the things I have achieved and experienced through my mind’s eye. It is a hugely powerful exercise, setting intentions and markers for the year to come.

In the last coaching circle of the year we did this exercise and I opened my letter from 31st December 2018. I felt a sense of both anticipation and trepidation as I unfolded the paper and read over what I had imagined. In the past I have mainly felt proud and happy that so many things I had set intentions for had happened.  But this year was different. Those emotions were quickly followed by waves of others….not all comfortable. I felt disappointment, frustration, pride, happiness, guilt and surprise in a very short space of time and had to put the letter down. But emotions are crucial data and we should ignore them at our peril. So, later, after the circle I reflected on the messages these feelings were sending and what they meant going forward and it turns out this exercise was indeed as powerful as ever. Indulge me as I now use this blog as an opportunity to share what I consider useful lessons as we hurtle into 2020.

Lesson One: Celebrate all that you have achieved rather than what you have not (yet)

My eyes raced across the words on the page instinctively looking for the things that I’d set out to achieve and hadn’t. When I found the first one I started to mentally berate myself in a particularly detrimental and unkind way. And like the helpful puppy it is trained to be, my brain went the rest of the way through the letter seeking nuggets of evidence to further support this case. In doing this of course it raced past all of the good stuff I had done over the year. All of the successes, wins and comfort-zone-expanding moments were there in black and white, desperate to be noticed and acknowledged to no avail. So today, as you think back over the last 12 months, make a note (ideally on paper) of all the things you have done, experienced and achieved this year. Big and small. Take a moment to celebrate each and every one of them. Marvel over the things you intended to happen and the twists and turns that came your way. Be proud of those moments that felt so hard when you were in them and yet you persevered. Notice the people in your life and what you have given each other. Remember all that you have been as well as all that you have done. And celebrate all of it. It may not be all you wished to achieved but there is time for all that to come. Change the story through the simple addition of the word ‘yet’.

Lesson Two: Goals should be set from the heart not the ego 

When reflecting on the things I felt disappointed I hadn’t achieved I noticed a common theme. Two of the three things were not really things I care about. They were ego goals set from a place of comparing myself to others and borrowing from a definition of success that is not authentically mine. One of these was that I named a specific number of Instagram followers I would have by now. I am nowhere near. There are at least two reasons for this (the next being that I might not be particularly interesting to many!). The first is that it is genuinely not important to me. I do not measure my personal or professional success by my social media following or how many people like my content. And so when I looked back through the year using the lens that really does matter to me, that of how many people I have helped, I felt a warm buzz of satisfaction. Positive reviews and stories of much wanted change happening fuel my professional ambition, not a popularity contest. I also noted that because it doesn’t really matter to me I hadn’t spent the time on it. I know all the theory but had not put it into practice or been at all consistent in my behaviour. If you don’t do the work you can’t expect the results and it’s hard to do the work if ultimately you’re not bothered about the outcome. So this year I will be focusing on the tangible difference I can make and if social media can form an authentic metric against that then great, if not it will stay in the background as a way to stay connected to people that inspire me and as an outlet for my musings. All good. 

Lesson Three: Flexibility is not a weakness

One of the wonderful things about being human is we have the ability to change. Our thoughts, our behaviours, our actions…all changeable at our will. So it’s OK if things we once wanted we no longer find desirable. It’s OK if different opportunities came along that caught our eye and we decided to pursue those instead. It’s OK if we didn’t have the energy right now and decided to slow down or prioritise self care. It’s OK if life happened and we had to rethink things for now. It’s all OK. What is not OK is thinking that life is rigid, goals are set in stone and there is only one path and timetable. That is a sure route to stress, frustration and disappointment. As the saying goes we may not always be able to predict or control the headwinds but we can adjust our sails.

Lesson Four: Recognise when you need to get out of your own way 

Sometimes life gets in the way. And sometimes excuses do. Excuses used to detract from the real blockage. Ourselves. We can be our own best friend and our worst enemy all at the same time. And it can be hard to admit when we are the only reason things aren’t happening or moving forward. But this uncomfortable feeling is temporary for once we have named it we can move ourselves out of our own way. Thanks to this letter I have identified two very real mindset blocks that are holding me back. I can see the ripple effect of two beliefs and all of the stories they are fuelling and action (and inaction) they are inspiring. In that knowledge lies power - as I can now do something about them and stop self-sabotaging. I wonder if there are any beliefs holding you back? Try writing down something that you haven’t made happen yet but would like to. Now try completing this sentence as many times as you feel able to “I haven’t <insert goal> yet because”. Time for an honesty check. How many of these are valid reasons? How many of these are excuses? How many of these are stories you’ve just made up? What could you decide to do about it, right now?

Lesson Five: Live life on purpose 

So it turned out that two of the things that have fallen by the wayside weren’t actually important to me. But one was. And whilst I love intention setting and will continue to do it, a lesson for me is also that if something really matters then don’t leave it to chance. Life is hectic, noisy, busy and full of demands from all directions. It is clear to me that in all this happy chaos I simply forgot that this was a priority. I forgot to channel energy that way. So define what really matters to you for 2020 (a few key things - let’s not start the year overwhelmed), make sure these are represented visually somewhere (notes on your phone, vision board, post it on your mirror, laptop or car visor, object on your desk, screensaver are all great ideas from my clients) and do stuff on purpose to make it happen. We all have limited resources when it comes to time, energy, money and motivation so lets use them wisely and intentionally. They are easy to fritter yet too valuable to waste.

Lesson Six: None of this is a race 

My grandmother left me some wonderful books. One of them is called Being and Doing. It was published in 1923 as a ‘collection of helpful daily thoughts’. I turned to my birthday and read the following two quotes

“Do not hope you are to gain the victory in a day. It may take months, it may take years. Inch by inch and step by step the battle must be fought. Over and over again you will be worsted and give ground but do not therefore yield. Resolve never to be driven back quite so far as you have advanced.” Whyte-Melville

“Did you ever hear of a man who had striven all his life faithfully and singly toward an object and in no measure obtained it? If a man constantly aspires is he not elevated? Did ever a man try heroism, magnanimity, truth, sincerity, and find that there was was no advantage in them, that it was a vain endeavour?” Thoreau

I was very close to my Granny and perhaps this felt to me like a very well-timed message from her. A reminder that life is not a race. That if we want achieve things then we will in time, whatever the odds, if we keep advancing towards them and do not give up. And a reminder that how we choose to live our lives, the values that we uphold, the behaviours that we demonstrate, the aspirations that we have are all as important (if not more so) as specific accomplishments. Perhaps we just need to stop racing towards things and start enjoying the day to day reality of living this precious gift called life. 

Happy New Year to you and yours with huge thanks for all of your support. 

Bring on 2020.